A Personal Look At Mourning Tragedy by Komonda submitted: 09.11.01
	O.K. I am going to get personal here. Why, because this tragedy is personal to so many of us, to many people around the world. What makes me say that? I listen very well and I have heard so many Outpost Ten Forward people grieving. As in most communities, when you grieve, I grieve. There are things that I wish to share with you, things that I have learned about how to recover from grief. The best way to share such personal knowledge is to get personal, so I will tell my stories and hope to hear many of yours in return for I know that the true sharing of heart is how we heal all things. The ringing of the telephone woke me on Tuesday. September 11 about 10 a.m. CST. The familiar voice of my friend asked me "Have you been watching T.V.?" I thought what a silly question! She knows that since I am a second shift worker I sleep later in the day than day workers believe possible. Her voice took on a sound of 'no nonsense' urgency as she said to me, "two jets have flown into the World Trade Center in New York City and one into the Pentagon, there is a fourth one down in Pennsylvania some place." Sometimes when we are shocked beyond belief we do not say what we mean, so instead of asking for details I simply said "What?" Fortunately, she knows me well and spilled the details nonstop without waiting for my response, and in the nanomoments that followed I knew that the lives of MANY would change forever. I also knew in those moments that grief had a stranglehold on our World. Having just awakened, I turned on not only the TV, but my internal receiver and felt through her words, and the scenes before me, the international grip of grief stronger than ever before. I have lived through many times of mass mourning, the assassination of JFK, Martin Luther King, Indira Ghandi, the death of Princess Di, the Native American Occupation of Wounded Knee, the American Hostages held by Iraq, Viet Nam police action, the Jim Jones Massacre at Jonestown, Assault against the Citizens of Belfast, Paris, London, and numerous cities of the Middle East, the Oklahoma Bombing, by oh what's his name... I try to forget his name on purpose, it is one of the ways that I deal with grief for to remember his name, to me, is to hold him in my memory and I chose for me that he does not deserve to be remembered, only the people who suffered by his actions deserve my memory. I choose also not to hold hatred and remembering his name gives hate a place to grow. Indeed all of these events and more are great losses for the world and each person has their story to tell of how they heard of it, how they dealt with it, and what they did to support others in those times and how they have healed. Encourage others to talk to you about the incidences that caused their grief and don't forget your story can help someone as much as their story can help you. We overcome grief by spreading it out and sharing it, hearing each other, allowing the feelings inside to come forward and be eased by way of letting go. Some people have written letters, some great pieces of poetry, some of which can be found in the web pages of the Outpost, but for those who do not write poetry or letters I encourage you to speak out. Express yourself in the way you are most comfortable with! There are five stages of grief we go through in all grief situations, a tragedy like this, a death of a family member or friend, a loss of something really important to us. The degrees of grief vary but the way we deal with all grief usually has the same stages, but at different speeds for different people, and sometimes in different order than the way they are written. An example: one of my sons deals with grief quickly and has it over before I can even start. I however, take a very long time before I can even shed a tear... we are extremes and he is often annoyed with me for not grieving quickly. It was three years before I could cry for my father's death, but I missed my father every day of my life. To me he was right up there with Ghandi and King on the list of world importance roles. All you Daddy's girls know what I mean. I ask you to be patient when two years from now someone like me comes up to you and says through a face full of tears, "...the World Trade Center..." It could happen! Just because time has passed, does not mean that for everyone the grief is over. We all grieve at our own pace! The stages of grief are: DISBELIEF: Oh no, I don't believe it! No, NO, NO!!! Not here, not now, not this!! "Make it go away" is what we are really saying. QUESTIONING: What if ?... If I had only... If they had only ... At this time, many Americans have said why didn't the government? Why aren't we protected? They do not say it out loud, but many feel we are after all, Americans, like we are some elite club? Go figure, but don't be shocked at my saying the truth as I see it. We Americans walk this earth with privilege and it is time we accept the responsibility of that. When you walk with privilege you have a greater duty to serve mankind. Princess Di, whom I still mourn everyday, understood that. If you did not think that you are elite because you are American, then you are a better educated responsible persons than many, and I take my hats off to your parents! ACCEPTANCE: This situation has occurred, it is real, I accept it, now I have to deal with it! ANGER: THE most destructive stage of grief, for it is here that we decide what we will be angry over and how we dealt with the three pervious stages will determine how well we heal from this stage. It is normal to feel anger, and it is also healthy. And I will not lecture you on how to express it; that is up to you, I only ask you not to hurt anyone. I accompany clients who cannot go into the community alone to church on Sundays where the Sunday after 'The Tragedy' I heard a woman in a church hall speak to friends, she told them that she left her husband yesterday because he cussed at her, and when she asked him not to do so, he told her if she did not like it she could leave... she said she packed up the kids and left. When she got to her Mother's house she calmed down and called him and asked him if he missed them yet. Her friends laughed a healing laugh with her. I did not know her and did not understand, but I thought, how abusive is this relationship? Oops on me, for later when the pastor's wife went up to sing a song, it was the lady in the hall. It is how she and her husband dealt with the stress of grief. It is very common to explode with anger on our family and friends or cats! Please choose to be as kind and understanding as you can. This couple obviously were with each other. They were stressed over the tragedy and the demands of what they were called on to do. How do you write a sermon on this situation? Anger had to be expressed before he could write it. Many will express it subtly, passive aggressively, a little bit at a time, all week long. Disgusting I know, but oh so usually normal! Find a way to express it that does not harm others. I chose to expect it so I can let it go slowly and hurt no one. The finale stage is: HEALING: Take time to be alone so that you can reflect, think, feel, and heal. Steps that also lead to healing are action steps to help others. If you cannot be there, send cards. Don't know anyone? Send cards & letters to the hospitals or money to emergency services, memorials, or give a grieving neighbor a pot of chili to help them over the tragedy. Take action of any kind, light a candle, wear a ribbon... The brain injured clients I work with made cards and sewed red, white and blue dolls for our hospital here in town for the spirit of unity. We went into a gas station and commented on the ribbons the women were wearing for unity day, and they gave us one from a bag of them they had made to share with others. A proactive world is better than one in which we cause pain about our pain! If you grieve for any reason, do not sit alone and fret for too long, get out and be a part of the healing.