|Terrell Owens vs. CT
by Patrick Moore (aka Balco or PR)
It was a nice cool day at Downtown where once again we meet The People's Champion PR Moore browsing though the store with his friends Kuchiki Byakuya and R.Kelly. Looking to make a delicious dinner!
"You know I could go for some steak and potatoes guys!" Pat says as he browses through the selection of Steak as Byakuya throws in a blank stare.
"We already had that for the past 2 nights. Besides, I believe it is Robert's turn to choose." Byakuya shoots a glare at Pat as R Kelly delivers an angry stare.
"Hey you high class honky! I told you NEVER to call be Robert it is and always will be R-Kelly. Cause *sings* that's how it goes at the chocolate factory! \o/" R Kelly does a little dance as a familiar person catches Pat's eye.
"Something bothers you Pat, what is it?" Byakuya glares at Pat who is focused at the mysterious person.
"Say…isn't that guy at the Ice Cream section Terrell Owens?" Pat says as he quietly growls.
"Look dawg, don't be worryin' 'bout 'dat playa hata' aight? Let's jus' git r' food, which should be Chicken Taco, dawg!"
"Sure thing, R." Pat says as the trio go by Terrell Owens on their way to checkout when a pint of Ice Cream pelts Pat in the back of the head.
"Ouch, who the heck threw that!?" Pat rubs the back of his head as TO, in his ever cocky swagger appears before them.
"Yeah! I threw that punk! You got a problem with me whining about how grossly underpaid I am?"
"As a matter of fact, I DO! Maybe we should switch jobs, I could use a few million and I think you would be great as a stocker, fits your personality. And for the record, Todd Pinkston was a better receiver than you. Punk." Pat steps forward and then spits on TO's brand spanking new Adidas he got for being their spokesperson.
"Why you jerkface! I oughta bust your brains in like I did Hugh Douglas!" TO goes to swing a punch when he quickly pulls back once Byakuya and R.Kelly pull out their sword and Beretta.
"You made a wise move, foolish one. No one lays a hand on the PRRRster. If they do, then I slice them up to bits with Senbonzakura." Byakuya stands in his attack stance, ready to swing at the slightest movement.
"Yea! U better listen, hata! Nobody and I mean nobody lays a hand on Grandmasta Gor here! Otherwise you'll get Mr. Beretta here angry and nobody wants an angry Mr. Beretta. You better step back foo." R Kelly twirls his Beretta and makes TO flinch when he fakes pistol whipping him.
"Hey guys, why don't you beat him up anyway? I mean I would like to see it!" The cashier Dan says as our three heroes march towards TO.
R.Kelly twirls his Beretta at TO, but TO grabs a hold of his hand, then swiftly kicking him in the gut, sending him flying over the counter of the first register, knocking the cigarette case down on him.
Byakuya attempts to flash step to get a cheap shot on TO but when he appears behind him, TO in a lighting-quick move, punches him right in the face, sending flying into the lunchmeat section.
"Take this TO, Dirty Harry fasekik of doooooooooom!" Pat yells as he climbs on top of the counter and does a missile dropkick only have his legs caught by TO and is thrown into the bread, breaking through all of the shelves.
R.Kelly slowly gets up to his feet, sweeping all the packs of cigarettes off him and aims his Beretta at TO. He fires his load at TO, but each bullet fails to hit him as TO used his speed to dodge them. He jumps up on the counter, smacks R.Kelly across the face and smashes his head up against the cash register. Then he lays R.Kelly against the counter and yells "Elbow Drop!" and elbows R.Kelly in the ribs.
Pat gets up from the shelves, picks up a broken shelf and runs toward TO at the counter. He gets up to the counter and makes a swing, but TO ducks, and accidentally smacks R.Kelly in the face with it. TO kicks Pat, causing him to drop the broken shelf and then delivers a DDT on the shelf.
Byakuya gets up and hold is sword in front of him. "Scatter, Senbonza-"He chants but is interrupted when TO appears in front of him. "You fool, that don't work against me! Let me show you some of my magic spells, this one I call the Moonwalk Robot slide punch." TO moonwalks a few feet away from him then slowly moves forward doing the robot slide, then when he gets near Byakuya, he delivers a strong uppercut, sending him flying up into the air.
"This next move I like to call The Ray Lewis fasekik to the back!" To begins to flock his arms like a chicken, then starts to bend his legs and move around in a funky way, then stands straight up and flings his arms behind his back, as if they we're wings. Then just as Byakuya begins to hit the ground, TO gives him a big boot to the back, sending him flying over the cash register.
"Hahahah! I can't believe this! I just whooped y'all in less than five minutes! At least Hugh Douglas gave me a few scrapes but man, y'all are straight out pathetic! "TO starts to do the Eagles dance as the doors to Downtown Market bust open and smokes appears. Once the smoke begins to fade a shadowy figure appears.
"You Terrell Owens are in violation of all the Prime Directives!" The mysterious voice echoes throughout the store.
"Prime Directives!? What is this? Did we just get beamed by the enterprise!? And what's up with your shadowy appearance? Is that you Donovan?" TO ask in his sassy tone as the mysterious man reveals himself from the shadows.
"The lot of you folk drolly just see me as a guy that looks like Lorenzo Lamas from Renegade (I don't know what he really looks like in RL so I figured he needed to look the most badass with the Lorenzo Lamas look, renegade style) wearing a giant cowboy hat. But folks like that young man known as Balco that go to OTF know me as Crazy Texan, CT for short. I'm the Vice-Commander, it would be in your best interests to shut up and sit still." CT says in a quiet, commanding voice as he stands only a few feet away from the ego-driven receiver.
"Say what? You're what the second in command of a chat room and you have the nerve to use that to boss around Terrell Owens!? I cured cancer, I help the Eagles go to the Super Bowl, I even have -" TO is interrupted as CT fires a shot from his double-barrel phaser as it hits TO in the arm.
"Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to you, boy! You got a lot of explaining to do! Now you are in violation of PD 1 since you have no respect for yourself, your teammates, and you always fail to take responsibility, for your own actions. You are in violation of PD 2 since you came into OTF many times and use excessive vulgarity against Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb, though the both wanted to use the handle "Darth TOhata" but that's beside the point. You are in violation of PD 3 since you shared your Command Code with your agent Drew Rosenhaus, who is doing quite well in the Brig at the moment. You are in violation of PD 4 with discriminating against your own QB since you though Brett Favre would lead the Eagles to an undefeated season. You are in violation of PD 5 with your Desperate Housewives skit with Nicole Sheridan on Monday Night Football due to its raunchy nature-"
"It had nothing to with football!" Pat interrupts and CT gives him a cold stare.
"Interrupt me like that again and I'll make you'll never get past CL4!"
"But it's the truth though…."
"I know, but you can wait to tell me that later. ANYWAY, PD 6, you harassed our members "Darth TOhater 1" and "Darth TOhater 2" which you know as Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb. Also you beat the crap out of Balco over there so that's a big no-no. PD 7….Pat do I have to read all this?"
"Just finish it and then blast him away!"
"All right…*shrugs*. PD 7, you hacked into FM's stash of music, stole the beat for it and used it for your rap song. PD 8, when you flooded the chat room with "9rs suxxorz!!!11111LOL!!! Egls rul!!!!111111LMAO!!!!!111" back in March of 2004 and then repeated it again in March of 2006 with "Egls suxxors!!!!1111!!!!! DaMooon suxxors cuz shi n elgs fan!!!1111!!!!!! CWBYZ RUL!!111!!!!!!" PD 9 when you came in as Andrew Maxwell saying that he has given full control of the chat to Terrell Owens and that Terrell Owens will be CiC, Drew Rosenhaus as VC, and that anyone who does not love the greatness that is TO will be banned. PD 10 because well you're just a whiny annoying lamer who thinks 7 million a year isn't enough for him. Well sir, I must give you a hand for managing to break all 10 PDs, that's quite a task. However I am afraid to inform you that Bill Parcells isn't the only one in Texas that can keep you on a leash. I'm going to put you on SOS and ban you permanently…with my level 7 phaser!" CT sets his phaser to level 7, aims it at TO and fires.
"NEEEEEXXXXTTTT QUUUUUEEEEESSSSTTTTIIIIIIOOOOOONNNN!" Yells out Super agent Drew Rosenhaus as he jumps out in front of TO take the full blow of the level 7, vaporizing him into nothingness!
"NOOOO! You killed him! The only man in my life that understood me! Now he's dead, I won't let you get away with us or vaporize me. Til next time fools!" TO Exclaims as he tries to escape but his getaway path is block by two former teammates.
"We won't let you get away this time." Says Donovan McNabb, with Jeff Garcia at his side, aiming level 2 phasers at TO.
"Ha, real clever Donovan and looks likes we got ourselves a g…err I mean rat! :. But y'all fo'got one thing, I can still run away to my left. I got 733t skills yo!" TO brags as he dashes to his left, but runs into Hugh Douglas, with the level 2 phasers aimed right at his head. "I got some unfinished business with you, Dawg?"
"So Hugh does that make up for the one time you're cousin got banned, we accidentally banned your entire mansion from OTF? I mean the time that you have all 27 computers in your house blocked from it?" CT asks as Pat throws a surprised look.
"Wait a sec, you guys weren't here to save us from him?"
Hugh and CT break out in laughter.
"Of course not! You see OTF isn't responsible for anything that happens here in Downtown Market, that's the store's responsibility. Oh and we really don't want an irritate John Q. Hammons telling us we have no right to but in Springfield's Affairs."
"But CT, did you not see TO harass and then proceed to kick the ever-living crap out of us?" PR whines in a most Emo mood.
"Yeah, and thank to their security cameras, I'm gonna post pics and the videos of the pathetic whooping you guys got from TO. I mean seriously, it was 3 on 1 and you still got whooped!"
"Excuse Vice-Admiral CT, my reiatsu is restricted in your world by 80%, so there was little I could do about TO." Byakuya explains as he lowers his head in shame.
"You see, I could only pistol whip him because it states in my contract that I cannot bust a cap or else I get arrested. I hate Jay-Z for that." R Kelly puts his gun back and eyes the fifth of Jack Daniels to tone down the embarrassment he is feeling.
"Oh excuses, excuses. But anyway, after we unbanned Hugh's mansion and apologized for banning it, we decided as to make up for it, we would team and take out TO. And since certain celebs have a knack to mess with you at this store, we knew that would be a perfect opportunity. Anyway, I gotta go now, I got some stuff to take care of at the HQ, bye. :" CT teleports away as Byakuya, Pat, and R Kelly look at each other.
"You know Byakuya; I would wait a few months before you go back into Soul Society." Pat says as he jumps over the counter.
"Pat, you're probably right. What about you Robert?"
"Damn it, Byakuya. It's R-Kelly! R-KELLY! Anyway, I think we should just get out of here and order a pizza."
"You're right R.Kelly; let's go get some Dominoes pizza." Pat says as he looks at the trio of Hugh, Donovan, and Jeff shooting and kicking TO with their level 2 phasers and armory kicks.
"You guys have fun kicking the crap out of TO, ok?"
"Oh we will, have fun!" Donovan says as the trio leaves the store as TO screams and emos in pain from the whooping he is getting. Meanwhile back at Soul Society…..
"Hey! Ichigo! Check this out!"
"What is it Renji?"
Ichigo and Renji are browsing through the OTF Forums where they see the threat CT posted titled "The most pathetic asswhooping of the 21st century" with the pics and videos he promised he would post.
"Oh my goodness Ichigo, look at Byakuya, he's getting so whupped by TO! I'm sorry to have him as a Captain."
"Renji, you have no right to talk though.
"What do you mean?"
"You got pwnd by the guy that got pwnd by TO! HA!"
"I hate you, dumb jerkface."